


Outside John's Marriage

by thelookyouredoingthelookagain



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Alone, E. - Freeform, Flirting, Loneliness, Multi, Series 4, Text Affair
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-01
Updated: 2017-03-01
Packaged: 2018-09-26 18:24:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 7,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9915296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thelookyouredoingthelookagain/pseuds/thelookyouredoingthelookagain
Summary: The mystery of the texts.





	1. Week One, Wednesday

**Author's Note:**

> All works here were produced by two friends in the fandom. One writes as SH and one as John, and we edit together. Our characters are based on the BBC's _Sherlock_ , though we don't mind playing a little loosely with canon and the occasional AU. We have whims and like to follow them. While we like to torture our boys with constant misunderstandings, we know they belong together and we always see to that.
> 
> We aim to update once a month, usually on the Friday closest to the 1st. All posted works are complete, and we hope there will be something for everyone. We've got quite a few stories, and we invite you to get lost in them. **To keep up with our new stories, we hope you'll subscribe.**
> 
> We also really appreciate the kudos and comments. They mean a lot -- sometimes they inspire new ideas and works, sometimes they just make us feel all warm inside.
> 
> Thanks for reading and for being a great community!

Sitting at the kitchen table in his family home, John unfolded the piece of paper and looked at it again.

_07700 900 552  
E xx_

John looked at it for a long time, then lifted his head and let out a silent laugh. He looked down again, picked up his phone, opened up a New Contact and typed “E” before adding the phone number and saving it. He sent a text. _  
_

_12.15  
Hey._

He put the phone down on the table and got up to walk away. A few moments later the phone chimed. He picked it up again.

 _12.18_  
_Hey._  
_I wasn't sure I'd hear from you._

 _12.19_  
_I was debating it, to be honest._

 _12.20_  
_I don't want to make things awkward but I know I have._  
_Still, I had to take a risk._

 _12.22_  
_Yes. A risk. I know that it is as well._

_12.23  
Something must have made it seem worth it to you._

_12.24  
I like risks. Adventure. Danger._

_12.25  
As do I. What else do you like?_

_12.26_  
_That sums it up. I go on cases and I get my fill of danger and excitement._

_12.26  
Are you a police officer?_

_12.27_  
_A doctor. My friend is a detective._

_12.28  
Interesting. And you are married?_

_12.48_  
_It's complicated._

_12.49  
So it appears._

_12.50_  
_I hope you understand that I'm not exactly free._

 _12.51_  
_We all have our ties._  
_I don't want to make any more trouble for you._

 _12.54_  
_It's not trouble. Not yet._

 _12.55_  
_It's just a little adventure, right?_  
_Are you home on your own right now?_

 _13.10_  
_I'm home. I'm alone in my kitchen._  
_My wife and baby are in the next room._

 _13.11_  
_Shall I let you go?_  
_I don't want to keep you from them._  
_Though I'm enjoying talking to you._

_13.12  
I am as well, but I should go now. Talk soon._


	2. Week One, Thursday

_19.05_  
_Hey._

 _19.07_  
_I was just thinking about you._

 _19.08_  
_I was just thinking about you too._

 _19.09_  
_Could I ask you a personal question?_

 _19.10_  
_Sure._

 _19.11_  
_Have you done this kind of thing before?_  
_It seems a bit reckless to take a chance with a stranger._

 _19.12_  
_I've not done this before. Not since being married._

 _19.13_  
_I've never done anything like this._  
_Well, once, but it was an unusual circumstance._  
_I suppose this is unusual as well._

 _19.35_  
_Sorry for the delay, I had to take care of a few things._  
_This is unusual. Is that okay?_

 _19.36_  
_I like unusual. Are you out on a case?_

 _19.40_  
_Not at the moment, no._  
_Planning a family thing._

 _19.41_  
_Does your family make you happy?_

 _19.42_  
_They do, yeah._  
_I know that's hard to believe._

 _19.43_  
_But something's missing?_

 _19.44_  
_I'm missing._

 _19.45_  
_Perhaps I could help find you._

 _19.46_  
_I'm worried that will only make me more lost._

 _19.47_  
_I don't want you to make you feel that way._  
_I want you to feel found._  
_Whatever this is, I found you for a reason._  
_Perhaps it was a good one._

 _19.48_  
_Maybe._  
_I don't seem to be doing well with the relationships I have already._

 _20.02_  
_Is there someone besides your wife?_

 _20.03_  
_Not the way you're thinking._

 _20.04_  
_I don't know what I'm thinking._  
_Do you want to share?_  
_Perhaps it would lighten your load._

 _20.05_  
_Have you ever missed anyone who's not gone anywhere?_

 _20.06_  
_I do everyday._  
_Maybe that's why we found each other,_  
_to remind us that someone else understands how we feel._

 _20.07_  
_I always wanted a family of my own. Always._  
_But then I found a different kind of family and it's broken now._

 _20.08_  
_Broken things can be mended._

 _20.09_  
_I know. But it's hard._  
_It didn't used to be._

 _20.10_  
_What do you think will help?_

 _20.11_  
_I'm not sure, honestly._  
_There's other things more important to them than me._  
_And I have things that should be more important than him._  
_I'm struggling._

 _20.20_  
_Who's him? Your brother?_

 _20.21_  
_Not a brother._

 _20.21_  
_Sorry, I have to go._

 _20.22_  
_All right._  
_Talk to you soon?_


	3. Week One, Thursday (Later)

_23.32_   
_Hey._

_23.33_   
_Hey._   
_I wasn't sure if I'd here back from you tonight since you disappeared so quickly._

_23.34_   
_Sorry. I had some stuff going on with my family._

_23.35_   
_Something fun?_

_23.36_   
_Yes. My daughter's christening._

_23.36_   
_You had it today?_

_23.37_   
_No, it's this weekend._   
_Just planning._

_23.38_   
_Of course. That makes more sense._   
_You sound like a good father._

_23.39_   
_I appreciate that._

_23.40_   
_Is there anything you're not good at?_

_23.41_   
_A lot. Too much._

_23.42_   
_Specifics, please. Dancing, fighting, crossword puzzles?_

_23.43_   
_I'm not good at dancing, in all honesty._

_23.44_   
_That's a shame. I'm quite good at that._   
_Does that mean I'll have to teach you or should we call the whole thing off?_

_23.45_   
_My friend taught me a few moves._

_23.46_   
_The friend who makes you sad?_

_23.47_   
_He doesn't make me sad._   
_I mean, not him specifically._

_23.47_   
_But yes, him._

_23.49_   
_Sorry. What does make you sad?_

_23.50_   
_I suppose it's more the situation we're in._   
_You know. Lost._

_23.51_   
_Have you talked to him about how you're feeling?_

_23.52_   
_I'm not good at that either._

_23.53_   
_You're talking to me about your feelings, and we barely know each other._   
_Or is that why it's easier?_

_23.54_   
_I think that's why it's easier._

_23.56_   
_So what are you feeling right now?_

_23.57_   
_Guilty. Happy. Still a bit lost._   
_How are you feeling?_

_23.58_   
_I'm feeling happy we're communicating,_   
_but guilty we have to do it in a way that complicates things for you._   
_I will understand if you want to stop, but right now it's just texting, right?_   
_People text. It doesn't have to be anything more._

_00.01_   
_Were you thinking of anything more?_

_00.02_   
_Of course I was._

_00.03_   
_Like what?_

_00.04_   
_I'd like to invite you to mine._

_00.11_   
_It's bad that I want to come. I know that._

_00.12_   
_Wanting to is good enough for me at the moment._   
_The invitation will stand if the time is right._

_00.13_   
_You're very interesting._

_00.14_   
_I know it may seem like that, but I'm really nothing special._   
_You're the one with the interesting life._   
_You obviously have many people who love you._   
_That's not my strong point._

_00.15_   
_I just mean, texting strange pretty girls doesn't usually go like this._   
_It's a good thing._

_00.16_   
_Nothing I do usually goes as expected._   
_Even if this is all we share, I'm grateful._   
_If I'm honest, I'm quite lonely, which is probably obvious._   
_Texting with you is good._

_00.17_   
_I like texting with you as well. It's comfortable._   
_Though, I'm nervous about my friend._

_00.18_   
_What's he got to do with it?_

_00.19_   
_He sees thing differently._   
_When he sees me next he'll know I'm talking to someone._

_00.20_   
_I'm confused._   
_How could he know and why would he care?_

_00.21_   
_He'll know._   
_And I'm married with a baby, remember?_

_00.22_   
_How?_   
_Are you sure you don't actually want to tell him?_   
_Maybe you're just trying to come up with a reason for him to know._

_00.23_   
_No! He does these deductions and he can tell things._   
_He'll know by something odd like I folded my hands differently or something._

_00.24_   
_Don't fold your hands then._   
_Does your friend think he is some kind of morality police?_   
_Is he really so perfect?_   
_Please don't get angry with me, I know I don't know the whole story,_   
_but so far your friend doesn't seem that great._

_00.25_   
_You're right, you don't know anything about him._   
_Sorry, I have to go._


	4. Week Two, Tuesday

_23.16_  
_Hey._

 _23.39_  
_I thought you'd given up on me._

 _23.40_  
_No. I'm sorry I left that way._

 _23.41_  
_No, I'm sorry._  
_I knew you said he was important to you._  
_I shouldn't have said what I said._  
_I just didn't want you to feel bad, but I apologise for getting it wrong._

 _23.42_  
_It's okay._  
_I'm a bit annoyed at him actually because he texted through the christening._  
_At the same time it's one of the things that makes him him, I guess._  
_How are you?_

 _23.43_  
_I've been busy working._  
_Other than him, was the service nice?_

 _23.44_  
_Yes, it was really lovely. Small and private._

 _23.45_  
_I'm glad. Were you feeling lost?_

 _23.46_  
_I wasn't, no. I was happy._

 _23.47_  
_So maybe you're not so lost after all._  
_Is that what you got in touch to tell me?_

 _23.53_  
_No. I missed talking with you._

 _23.54_  
_I missed talking with you as well._

 _23.55_  
_Have you met anyone?_

 _23.56_  
_You mean like this?_  
_I've never given anyone else my number._

 _23.57_  
_Oh. I just didn't want you to feel like you were being held back._

 _23.58_  
_From what?_

 _23.59_  
_Meeting someone who can give you more than I can._

 _00.01_  
_I'm not interested in anyone else._  
_It's you I like, regardless of what you can or can't give me._

 _00.02_  
_I appreciate that. I enjoy this._

 _00.03_  
_Why?_

 _00.04_  
_I forget that I feel lost._

 _00.05_  
_Please don't get angry at me but you have quite a complicated life already._  
_Are you sure I'm really necessary?_

 _00.09_  
_If you want to stop texting, we can._  
_I'd have no right to argue it._

 _00.10_  
_I don't want to stop at all._  
_This is nothing but good for me because I don't have anyone else._  
_If at the moment you feel less lost, let's not stop._  
_If I can give you something good, I'd like to._

 _00.11_  
_No one at all?_

 _00.12_  
_No._  
_I had someone but he left._  
_But that's my fault, not yours so please don't feel responsible for my loneliness._

 _00.13_  
_What happened?_

 _00.29_  
_I didn't appreciate what I had and let it slip away._

 _00.30_  
_I'm sorry. There's nothing to do?_

 _00.32_  
_I think it's too late, but I want to learn from my mistakes._  
_Which is why, despite my wanting to get to know you, I don't want to cause trouble._  
_I only want this to be nice for both of us._

 _00.33_  
_I understand._  
_At the church, my friend didn't notice anything different._  
_Or if he did he didn't say so._  
_You're still my secret, it seems._

 _00.34_  
_Well, let's make this proper secretive then._  
_Here's a secret of mine: despite my making the first move in talking to you,_  
_I have pretty limited relationship experience._  
_The one who left was literally the only person I've ever loved._

 _00.35_  
_I'm sorry you've lost them._

 _00.36_  
_Now you tell me a secret._

 _00.37_  
_I've not told anyone that I'm bisexual._  
_I almost asked out my friend when we first met,_  
_but he didn't seem into the idea of dating, so I didn't push it._

 _00.38_  
_Does he know now that you were interested in him that way?_

 _00.39_  
_No. I never mentioned it again._  
_We became good friends and I didn't want to ruin anything._  
_Now I have my wife and daughter._

 _00.40_  
_Can I ask you something?_  
_Did you ever tell your person you loved them?_

 _00.45_  
_I thought I had made my feelings clear, but I don't know now if I did._  
_I suppose that's why I'm being brutally upfront with you._  
_I mean if there's a book on seduction,_  
_I doubt it'd suggest admit your personal weaknesses_  
_and insecurities immediately, would it?_  
_But I'd rather be honest because I know how dishonesty can hurt._

 _00.46_  
_Do you want to talk about what happened?_

 _00.47_  
_No._

 _00.49_  
_I'm sorry. In truth, I spend most my time thinking about it._  
_I've been trying to distract myself with work recently,_  
_but that's stressful in a different way._  
_Look, it's late and you're probably tired from the day._  
_What could I offer you that would make you feel nice before you go to sleep?_

 _00.50_  
_Tell me something about you._

 _00.51_  
_I make an excellent cup of tea._

 _00.52_  
_Okay. Talk to you soon._

 _00.53_  
_Good night. x_


	5. Week Two Thursday

_09.01_   
_Hey._

_09.09_   
_This is a nice surprise in the morning._   
_How are you?_

_09.10_   
_I'm really well. How are you?_

_09.11_   
_Bit sleepy._   
_What's going on?_   
_You seem quite chipper._

_09.12_   
_I shouldn't be._

_09.12_   
_My wife's out._

_09.13_   
_Have you been arguing or are you just glad for some time on your own?_

_09.14_   
_I'm glad for some time to talk to you without being sneaky._

_09.15_   
_It's nice that you thought of me._   
_I've been thinking of you, I confess._

_09.16_   
_Yeah? That makes me smile._

_09.17_   
_I hope you don't mind me saying,_   
_but you're quite handsome when you smile._

_09.18_   
_Even with that daisy in my hair?_

_09.26_   
_I'm sure you're handsome all the time._

_09.27_   
_You're very sweet. And very pretty._

_09.28_   
_No one's ever said either of those things to me, so that means a lot._   
_Let's pretend you're going to come over to mine._   
_Should I have tea or coffee ready?_

_09.29_   
_Tea. And maybe biscuits._

_09.30_   
_Hmm, I may have a few stale biscuits left,_   
_but I promise they'll be fresh when you do come over._   
_If you do, I mean. And how would we spend the afternoon?_

_09.31_   
_We would talk. We'd sit close together and I wouldn't take my eyes off you._

_09.31_   
_Because I'm interesting or because you like how I look?_

_09.32_   
_Both._

_09.33_   
_What would we talk about?_

_09.34_   
_I could tell you about my adventurous cases._

_09.35_   
_That would be amazing._   
_Have you solved them all?_

_09.36_   
_I haven't solved any._   
_I'm just along for the adventure._   
_And the record keeping._

_09.37_   
_I find that hard to believe -- you're obviously a smart man._

_09.38_   
_I appreciate that._   
_But I mean it. My friend does the solving. I do the blogging._   
_But I won't tell you about the blog so I can impress you in person._

_09.39_   
_Are you a good writer?_

_09.40_   
_I think so. A lot of people compliment the blog._   
_My friend hates it, but he likes facts instead of fiction._

_09.41_   
_Are facts the only things he cares about?_

_09.42_   
_He also cares about murders._   
_And dogs, I think._

_09.43_   
_And you?_

_09.44_   
_Do you mean what do I care about or do you mean how do I feel about murder and dogs?_

_09.45_   
_I meant, does he care about you?_

_09.46_   
_Oh, right._

_09.47_   
_Yes, I think he does in his own way._

_09.48_   
_You said before that there were things more important to him than you were._   
_Facts and dogs or something else?_

_09.49_   
_Cases. He's all about the cases._

_09.50_   
_So that's why you chose your wife,_   
_because you're more important to her than you were to him?_

_09.55_   
_He's the one who left -- well, that's the complicated bit._   
_But I met her while he was away, and she helped me feel normal again._

_09.56_   
_Is normal how you wanted to feel?_

_09.57_   
_I thought so. But I know now that I actually wanted my normal,_   
_the normal I was used to with him. That's not what I got._   
_Not in a good way._

_09.58_   
_Why not go back to what you had with him then?_

_09.59_   
_It's not the same anymore._

_09.59_   
_I'm with my wife now._

_10.00_   
_We have a baby._

_10.01_   
_Then why are you considering sitting next to me on my sofa?_

_10.20_   
_Don't make me feel bad for this._

_10.20_   
_Please._

_10.21_   
_I don't mean to. I'm sorry. I'm just finding it all confusing._   
_I gave you this number because I'm lonely._   
_I wonder why you took it, though, why you're telling me these things,_   
_when it seems like you already have someone else besides your wife._

_10.22_   
_I can't talk to him. Not about this stuff._

_10.23_   
_Maybe you can. Maybe you should._

_10.24_   
_It's hard enough for me already. He doesn't like sentiment._   
_We're both bad at it._

_10.25_   
_Are you sure? It seems like sentiment is quite important to you._   
_Maybe it is to him as well._

_10.26_   
_I don't know. We just don't talk like that._

_10.27_   
_Well, I'm glad you can talk to me._   
_Even if it's all I can offer you now, I'm happy to listen._

_10.28_   
_I'd like to offer something for you as well. You can talk to me too._

_10.29_   
_Thank you. I don't really have anyone to talk to about my feelings._   
_I suppose because of that, I've just stopped feeling. Or tried to at least._   
_From time to time, we're all just human after all, right?_   
_So I get sad and I regret._

_10.30_   
_Do you feel sad a lot?_

_10.31_   
_I do. I know it's not a selling point, but we're being honest, right?_   
_It's a total cliché but I suppose I'm suffering from 'you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone'_   
_and I just wish I'd done so many things differently._

_10.32_   
_What kind of things?_

_10.40_   
_Been more open, I guess. Once I knew, I mean._   
_I didn't think love would happen and when it did, I should have cherished it more._   
_Instead I took it for granted and now it's gone._   
_I was selfish when he was here and trying to get him back would be just as selfish._

_10.41_   
_I'm sorry._

_10.42_   
_I guess telling you counts for something, right?_   
_I am learning from my mistakes, I suppose._

_10.43_   
_I suppose that's important for next time._

_10.44_   
_The closest I've managed to come is giving a married stranger my phone number,_   
_so I'm not holding out hope. It's all right._   
_It was good what I had, I'm lucky for it._   
_At some point, the sadness must ease is what people usually say at this point, right?_

_10.45_   
_Yes, time is supposed to heal._   
_But it's hard when you see the person everyday. Almost every day._   
_I can't stop thinking about what could have been._   
_Do you see your person?_

_10.46_   
_I do because we work together, but I've been trying to keep myself busy_   
_on other things to minimise the disruption I cause to his new life._   
_Do you have to keep seeing your friend?_   
_Would it be better to break from him completely?_

_10.47_   
_No. Whatever I'm feeling, I'll take something over nothing._   
_I had nothing for a while and I didn't like it._

_10.48_   
_I honestly don't know what's best._   
_Sometimes I wonder if feeling nothing is better._

_10.49_   
_No. It hurts but that's because it matters._   
_Don't close yourself away._

_10.50_   
_My friend shut me out and I don't know how to get through that._   
_I need someone to feel with me._   
_I know it's selfish to ask that of you. I'm sorry._

_10.53_   
_Don't be sorry._   
_I know we're essentially strangers and our situations are very different,_   
_but I'm here for you. I do feel, too._

_10.54_   
_Perhaps we're not so different._   
_We've both lost someone important, if in different ways._

_10.57_   
_Sorry. This wasn't a fun way for you to spend your free morning, was it?_

_11.00_   
_There's still time to turn it around. Do you have plans today?_

_11.01_   
_Just working. I didn't sleep much last night,_   
_so I should probably get some rest at some point._   
_How about you?_

_11.02_   
_No plans. I'll be at home most of the day._   
_I've been waiting to hear about a possible case,_   
_but it seems no one is being murdered._

_11.03_   
_Do you only work on murders?_

_11.04_   
_No. It depends what catches his fancy._

_11.05_   
_Maybe a girl on the bus will catch his fancy one day_   
_and it'd be easier for you to move on._

_11.06_   
_He doesn't like girls. Or anyone, really._

_11.07_   
_Except you._   
_Does he get on with your wife and daughter?_

_11.08_   
_Yes, my wife more than me it seems like sometimes._   
_And he's funny to watch with the baby. Sweet._

_11.09_   
_That's good._   
_At least there's a lot of love in your life, even if it's all complicated._

_11.10_   
_There must be some in your life as well._

_11.11_   
_I love my work._   
_And now I've got you as a friend, so that's something._

_11.12_   
_Yes, that is something._   
_Are you okay with us not having met again?_

_11.13_   
_I like our conversations._   
_If I'm honest (since that's what we're trying to be),_   
_of course I like to meet you again._   
_But for now, pretending that it's a possibility is nice._

_11.14_   
_Perhaps we've stumbled on the most ideal relationship of all:_   
_we'll always be there for each other but just never been there with each other._   
_Sorry, bad joke, but you're right -- this means a lot to me._   
_Thank you for that._

_11.15_   
_When I first texted you I was hesitant._   
_I thought you'd be interested in only a sexual relationship_   
_or any kind of relationship that was more than I could give you._   
_I never imagined this. It's nice._

_11.16_   
_I always want more than people can give me, I think,_   
_and in truth I don't know what I imagined anyway._   
_But this is nice._   
_I am grateful for this -- to be able to get my feelings out._

_11.22_   
_I hope I'll hear from you again soon, okay?_

_11.23_   
_Yes, of course._

_11.24_   
_Enjoy the rest of your free time._   
_I'll be thinking of you. xx_

_11.25_   
_I'll be thinking of you as well. xx_


	6. Week Three, Friday

_18.45_   
_Hey._

_18.55_   
_Good to hear your voice._   
_Well, you know what I mean._

_18.56_   
_I do know what you mean. How are you?_

_18.57_   
_I'm doing all right. How about you?_

_18.58_   
_I'm doing well._

_18.59_   
_I walked by the bus stop today._   
_I wondered if I might see you._

_19.00_   
_I didn't have to work today so I wasn't out._   
_I don't have much time to talk today, but I missed you._

_19.01_   
_I've been missing you as well._   
_I know I don't have any rights in this situation,_   
_but I've realised I do wish we could talk everyday._   
_Please know I'm saying that only so that you know that I care._   
_I do not mean to make you feel guilty._

_19.05_   
_I know. I feel the same._   
_But I have to go now. I'll talk to you again soon._

_19.06_   
_Okay. xx_


	7. Week Three, Saturday

_12.45_  
_Hey._

_12.46_  
_When I heard the phone go, I immediately felt better about today._  
_How are you?_

_12.47_  
_Excited. And a bit guilty about that, but I can't help it._

_12.48_  
_Why, what's happening?_  
_Do you have an interesting case with your friend?_

_12.49_  
_Sadly no. My wife has taken the baby on a day trip, so I'll be alone all day._

_12.50_  
_Lucky you. What are your plans?_

_12.51_  
_Hanging out with you._

_12.52_  
_I know we talked about not meeting, but maybe we could watch the same film_  
_or both make tea and have a virtual date._

_12.53_  
_Sorry, I mean -- well, yes. That's what it would be._

_13.09_  
_That'd be nice. Are you a bit of a romantic then?_

_13.10_  
_Yes, you could say that. Are you?_

_13.11_  
_I don't think so. Well, I don't really know actually._  
_I think I probably missed all my chances to give it a try._

_13.12_  
_With him, you mean?_

_13.13_  
_Yes. And always really -- I'm trying to say I basically know nothing about romance,_  
_so don't expect too much. Or you could teach me maybe?_  
_If we were going to have a romantic date,_  
_what exactly would that mean?_

_13.14_  
_I would take you to a posh restaurant where we could get dressed up._  
_A candle, of course. Some nice wine. A walk afterwards. I'd hold your hand._

_13.20_  
_I'd like that, the hand holding._  
_Obviously it all seems nice, but the hand holding particular sounds lovely._

_13.21_  
_I bet you have nice hands._

_13.22_  
_I have no idea if I do._  
_But you can decide, if we ever meet._

_13.23_  
_You left me too quickly at the bus stop for me to notice much._

_13.24_  
_Would we be walking to somewhere in particular or just walking and holding hands?_

_13.25_  
_Just walking and holding hands. Maybe the park._

_13.26_  
_What would we be talking about?_

_13.27_  
_Anything you wanted._

_13.28_  
_Would you tell me about some of your cases?_

  
_13.29_  
_I would. There are some very interesting ones._

_13.30_  
_And what would we do after our walk?_

_13.31_  
_I would walk you home. And maybe kiss you._

_13.35_  
_And would you expect me to invite you in?_  
_I'll be honest, I've literally never gone on a proper date._  
_I don't know how this works, and I doubt I can trust what I see on television._

_13.36_  
_You could invite me in, but we wouldn't have to do anything you didn't want to do._

_13.38_  
_So you might be interested in more than hand holding and a kiss on the first date?_

_13.39_  
_Would you be?_

_13.40_  
_Possibly._

_13.40_  
_Yes._

_13.41_  
_I hope you don't think that's bad._

_13.42_  
_I don't think that's bad._  
_It's a bit awful that I would want to, given my situation._  
_But I would._

_13.43_  
_It'd be nice to be physically close._

_13.44_  
_Yes, I agree._

_13.45_  
_If we're just pretending, would you want to sleep here?_  
_With me, I mean, obviously._

_13.46_  
_Yes, I really would._

_13.47_  
_It's nice to think about, your arms around me._  
_I imagine I'd feel safe, home._

_13.48_  
_It's nice being held that way. Sleeping wrapped up with someone._

_13.49_  
_I'm going to think about it when I go to bed tonight._  
_I hope that's okay._  
_If I'm honest, I'll admit I've actually thought about it before._

_13.56_  
_I have too. And I will again tonight._

_13.58_  
_That makes me feel nice._  
_Even if it never happens, it means something to me that you've thought of it._

_14.00_  
_I know what you mean, about it feeling special somehow._  
_Despite my own guilt, I'm glad you picked me on the bus that day._

_14.03_  
_I suppose I feel like you picked me._  
_I see hundreds of people around me all the time,_  
_but something led me to you._  
_Something about you made me feel good._  
_Different._

_14.04_  
_I'm glad that I make you feel that way. I can't stop smiling._

_14.05_  
_You're so handsome when you smile._

_14.06_  
_I mean, you are all the time, but even more so when you're happy._

_14.07_  
_Hmm, have you been spying on me?_

_14.12_  
_You seemed happy when we spoke._  
_When you told me about your daughter._  
_That's all I meant._

_14.13_  
_I was teasing, but now I'm smiling again._  
_You're sweet._

_14.14_  
_I feel I'm misrepresenting myself since I'm never described that way,_  
_but I appreciate the compliment. Look, I have a theory about why we met._  
_Would you like to hear it?_

_14.15_  
_Yes, of course._

_14.16_  
_I'm not an idiot._  
_I know this virtual date is the closest I'm ever going to come to actually being held by you._  
_But maybe that's the whole point -- your life is complicated and mine is lonely,_  
_those facts won't change, but now we've found each other_  
_and I can give you simplicity and you can give me friendship._  
_Maybe that's all we can offer, but maybe it's enough._

_14.18_  
_Talking with you makes me forget everything._  
_Everything bad. The guilt and the nervousness and the morality of it all._  
_It's simple, fun. It feels good._

_14.19_  
_That's all I've ever wanted. I feel good talking to you as well._

_14.20_  
_I think our date is going very well so far._

_14.21_  
_I'm enjoying the romantic business as well._

_14.22_  
_Yeah? Good. Me too._

_14.23_  
_I hope we can do it again._  
_You do make me feel less lonely, and I thank you for that._

_14.24_  
_I hope we can do._  
_It's been nice to feel free for a bit again._

_14.25_  
_It has been._  
_Think of it the next time you feel lost, okay?_

_14.26_  
_I'll always think of it._  
_We'll have more like this._

_14.27_  
_I hope so. I think I'll go now. Talk soon?_

_14.28_  
_Of course._

_14.29_  
_Good. This has been the best day I've had in a while._  
_I'll be thinking of you as I fall asleep._

_14.30_  
_Imagine me holding you. I will too._

_14.40_  
_Thank you. xx_


	8. Week Four, Thursday

_11.01_   
_Hey. I'm sorry to send this so soon after our date, but I'll be away for a while._   
_My wife -- well, it's complicated, but I'll be abroad for a bit. On a case._

_11.04_   
_Are you all right? I'm sorry if the date upset you._

_11.05_   
_It didn't upset me at all. I can't stop thinking about it, about you._   
_I just won't be available for a little while, and I didn't want you to think anything awful._   
_I'll miss you._

_11.10_   
_I'll miss you too._   
_Think of me anytime and I'll be with you._   
_Be safe. xx_


	9. Week Six, Monday

_22.15_   
_Hey, I've come home. I thought of you a lot, and that makes things much more difficult._   
_I have to tell you something._

_22.20_   
_You can tell me anything you need to say._

_22.25_   
_Things have become complicated. More complicated._   
_I can't keep talking to you like this. I'm so sorry._   
_This has been important to me -- I can't explain how much I've enjoyed this._   
_But it has to stop._   
_I'm sorry._

_22.45_   
_I suppose I knew this wouldn't last forever._   
_I'm so grateful for our time together, and I will always be here if you change your mind._   
_But I don't want to disrupt your life._   
_I never wanted to be something that weighs you down and stops you from finding happiness._   
_I'll miss you._

_22.49_   
_I'll miss you too. I'm sorry again. xx_

_22.50_   
_Goodbye, John. xx_


	10. Week Eight, Thursday

Molly stood at the window staring out into the street. She knew Sherlock would come and she hated being made to tell him to go away. But it was what John wanted. He was grieving Mary's death, but Molly knew he was grieving other things as well. She bounced Rosie a little and stroked her back. Then she turned and moved over to the sofa.

"How about you make us a cup of tea?" she asked, trying to make her voice seem neither too chipper nor too downcast. She looked over at him. He was staring down, not at anything, but she could see he was seeing everything, especially the horrible parts.

"Eh, John? Some tea, please?" she said a little more loudly. She got Rosie comfortable in their new position and then looked over at John. "Please?"

John looked up when Molly raised her voice. "Okay, right," he said quietly, getting up and moving to the kitchen. He felt like he was in a fog. He was numb, empty. His body moved through the motions automatically. He thought about Sherlock coming over here. He gripped the edge of the table until his knuckles turned white.

Anger surged through him, into his chest, like a living animal. Of course, a small part of him knew that it wasn't Sherlock's fault that Mary was dead. But he'd vowed . . . John thought about the last few years -- he'd lost Sherlock, and then he had moved on and found Mary and now he had lost her as well. Because of Sherlock's case. Why did he have to bring Mary along? Why did he always invite her to come along? The cases were theirs -- John and Sherlock's -- always theirs. Not hers as well.

He'd heard Molly speaking to Sherlock at the door. The conversation wasn't long -- seems like Sherlock wasn't fighting it at all, which just made John even more angry. Why was he giving up on John when John needed -- no. No. John didn't need Sherlock. He didn't.

John felt so tired. He was done thinking about all that. He was done thinking.

He finished making tea and filled Molly's mug. He glanced up at the bottle of whiskey. He grazed his fingers along the side, but no. Molly would be leaving soon, and he would have to watch Rosie alone. He couldn't start again.

He brought Molly her mug and took Rosie from her, holding her gently, close to his chest in hopes that she eased the tightness a bit. "Thank you," he told Molly softly.

"That's what friends are for . . ." she said softly, taking a sip of tea. "Some kinds of friends, I mean," she added under her breath. "Others offer different kinds of help . . ." She let her voice trail and then looked up. "Sorry," she said. "Whatever you want, John -- I'll support you. I won't . . . interfere with all that."

John ignored the comments and what she was getting at. He was no longer interested in talking about Sherlock.

She looked around the room. "This place could use a little tidying," she said. "I should get going soon, but I'm happy to clean up a bit when I come tomorrow. I'll be at work during the day -- dinner time all right?"

"I'll take care of it. I'm going to put Rosie down for a nap and I want to keep busy." He thought about the whiskey and nodded. "I need to keep busy."

"All right," Molly said, getting up. She put a soft kiss on Rosie's head and then squeezed John's arm. "You know how to reach me . . . so do, yeah? Text me in the middle of the night if you need something, John . . . I mean it." She moved to grab her coat.

John nodded. "Thanks," he said again. He watched Rosie drifting off to sleep in his arms. When Molly left, he paced the flat with her until she was properly asleep. He lay her down in her cot and stepped out. The bottle was calling him, but he went to his bedroom instead and took out his phone.

He stared at E. He pressed her name and scrolled through the messages. His temporary good bye had turned permanent. He kept all their texts as punishment. His guilt ate away at him when he looked through them. How could he have done that to Mary?

A small voice reminded him that she had no room to judge him on lies . . . but he'd made a promise and he took that seriously. How had he strayed so far? Suddenly, a small part of him was angry at Sherlock for not seeing what John had been doing and calling him out. Stopping him. He sighed and rubbed his face hard. He was looking to blame someone to make it easier, but none of this was easy.

_18.45  
I feel more lost than ever._

He stared at the message, his hand hovering over the send button. He couldn't help it -- he missed her, missed how easily they talked. But too much time had passed now. What could he say? How could he explain? He deleted the draft and got up to start cleaning.


	11. Week Nine, Saturday

Sherlock stood at the window smoking. He wasn't quite sure how long he'd been standing there or how many cigarettes he'd smoked, but he had no intention of moving.

That is, until he heard a noise at the door. He turned his head and shouted, "What?" He could only think of one person's voice he wanted to hear answer, and he knew he might never hear that voice again.

"Stop shouting," Mrs Hudson said as she opened the door and stepped in. "Good God, Sherlock, it's horrible in here. Open a window -- it's a wonder you can breathe."

"I'm not very interested in breathing at the moment. I am concentrating on smoking," he said, turning away from her. 

She pushed past him and slid open the pane. "Just cigarettes?" she asked.

He didn't meet her eyes, but nodded slightly.

"Call him," she said as she stepped away and started tidying.

"I have," he said. The brief response revealed that his phone calls had not been answered.

"Text him," she said. "Let him know . . . how sorry you are about everything, how much you . . ."

"I do text him," Sherlock said, more to the window than to her. "Every day I try to reach him. He doesn't reply . . ."

Mrs Hudson stopped moving and came up behind him. She wanted to give him a hug, but wasn't sure how he'd respond. "Keep trying, Sherlock," she practically whispered. "He's grieving . . . he needs you."

"He blames me," Sherlock said. "Because I am to blame."

Now she did touch him, ever so gently on the shoulder. "Everyone makes their own decisions, Sherlock," she said. "Just give it time." She moved toward the door. "Keep the window open," she called before leaving. "And come down for dinner at seven."

Sherlock kept staring at the glass. When he couldn't take another breath of smoke, he moved to the kitchen and turned on the kettle. He picked up his phone.

_I don't want to make things worse, but I know I am. Still, I had to take a risk and tell you that I am here for you, John. As I always will be. SH_


	12. Week Nine, Saturday (Later)

Sherlock's newest message got John's brain reeling. How could he say that after what happened? He had said the same to Mary -- he'd promised to protect them and now she was gone. 

He closed Sherlock's message and opened E's. Another one who promised to always be there, only this rift was John's fault. He scrolled through the messages again, guilt twisting his stomach as he read. 

And then he saw something -- saw the messages in a new way. Certain things started to pop out at him. 

_I only have my work._   
_I'm not good at this sort of thing._   
_John._

He sat up suddenly. He had never told her his name. So how . . . he blinked hard and looked at the messages again. He read them over and over.

Sherlock only had his work -- that was what John had told him that first night at Angelo's.

Sherlock wasn't good at this sort of thing -- talking about feelings, being human. 

What if this was how he was comfortable reaching out? Who was the woman on the bus? Someone he hired? Oh God, the things they talked about! She'd been quick to remind John that Sherlock liked John when he said Sherlock didn't like anyone. They'd planned a date, she'd said she thought about sleeping wrapped up with John.

Or rather, Sherlock had said it.

John realised he was crying. After Sherlock disappeared, John had accepted that he loved Sherlock . . . but he was gone and then Mary arrived. And now she was gone. What should he do about all this? He didn't know for sure. But he knew he had to do something.

He called Molly to come over right away, scrambling to get dressed and get things ready for Rosie. As soon as Molly came in, he was walking out, hardly explaining where he was going, thanking her over and over.

He took the bus, trying to figure out how he was feeling. He should be angry that he had been tricked, but everything he said to E he'd wanted to say to Sherlock for a long time. And now he had, and it appeared Sherlock had admitted to feeling the same. He walked quickly to the flat and let himself in, going straight upstairs unannounced. He knocked on the frame of the door.

"I'm not hungry, Mrs Hudson," Sherlock called without getting up. He was no longer at the window; instead he was staring forward, trying to blur out the image of John's empty chair.

"I didn't bring food," John said.

Sherlock quickly moved. "John," he said desperately as he opened the door. "John," he repeated. "You're here -- come in." He stepped back and prayed John would come inside.

John stood in the door, clenching his fists for a moment before stepping inside.

Sherlock watched him move. He had literally no idea what to say or do. "Tea," he said suddenly. "Do you want tea?" He realised he hadn't moved, so he took a step away from the door but didn't go any farther.

John shook his head. "No," he said, taking his cost off and hanging it up. He looked around the room, breathing slowly. "You've been smoking," he mentioned.

Sherlock took a few steps forward. "I'm allowed . . . I live alone now," he said tentatively. "Mrs Hudson said it was all right," he added in a quiet voice.

John watched him come closer and clenched his fists again, more out of nerves, but also to stop reaching out for him. That surprised him. "This is hard . . . you know this sort of thing is hard for me," he started slowly.

"I'm sorry," Sherlock said. "For everything . . . I don't know how to say . . ." His voice trailed off. He looked down and then around. It felt impossible to look John in the eye.

"Don't," John said. "You don't -- you didn't kill her. I'm sorry--" He cut off and took a deep breath. "I'm . . . sorry. I want to explain."

Sherlock walked over and sat down in his chair, praying John would sit down as well. "I'll listen, John," he said quietly and sincerely. "You can tell me anything you need to say."

John looked up at Sherlock quickly. He as good as confirmed John's suspicions. He moved to his chair and sat down. "You and I both made promises to her . . . but mine was more important. The official one in the eyes of the church and in front of our friends." He swallowed hard. "I broke mine, and I couldn't stand that . . . so I was taking it out on you and I'll never forgive myself for that." The words spilled out quickly.

Sherlock shifted, feeling like he wanted to move closer. "You've not done anything wrong, John," he said. "None of this was your fault."

"I cheated on her," he said softly. He glanced up to see Sherlock's reaction.

"John --" Sherlock started, his mind racing, trying to understand. "I -- I don't know what to say."

"It was easier taking it out on you because . . . you didn't break your promise. . . I was angry at myself. That I couldn't just . . ." He trailed off again. "I thought I wanted a normal life, a normal family. . . and I didn't and I was bored and I cheated."

"I didn't keep my promise, John," Sherlock said. "Mary's . . . and you're not . . . happy. I tried, but I failed."

John shook his head. "I failed. I failed because I knew what I wanted and I tried to settle down anyway. It wasn't fair." He shifted and took out his phone. He found E and opened a new message.

_Please, Sherlock. Don't let me be lost anymore._

He hit send and waited an agonising three seconds before he heard the soft tone of a new message. 

Sherlock's face fell. He knew he had just an instant to make a decision. He closed his eyes, opened them, and pulled out the drawer of the table. The phone flashed and he read the message. He couldn't process being caught -- there was no time to think. He let himself feel instead, typing back a response.

_Come home to me, John._

John read the message and started crying, covering his face with one hand as his shoulders shook. 

Sherlock moved swiftly over to John, reaching out and touching his arm, before pulling him close in a hug. "I'm so sorry, John . . . for everything I didn't say or couldn't say or didn't do . . . please forgive me . . . I just want you home."

John buried into Sherlock and held him tightly, his hands both full of Sherlock's shirt as he held on. "I'm sorry," he breathed. "I'm sorry I didn't wait and I'm sorry I didn't pick you when I should have," he rambled.

Sherlock listened as he squeezed his arms around John. "It's okay . . ." he said softly.

John shook his head. It wasn't okay. There was a baby at home who needed him and he was here wishing he'd been with Sherlock all along. 

"Before . . . I had to leave you and then I came home," Sherlock whispered. "You can do the same now. Come home and we'll finally get it right . . ."

John's sobs slowed, the shaking stopped, and he simply cried softly into Sherlock's neck. "I meant what I said . . . those things I said . . . to her," he murmured. 

"I know you did," Sherlock said. "I know now, I mean. I meant them too . . . I'm sorry I couldn't say them properly."

"I feel so guilty," John admitted softly. "But . . . it's always been you."

Sherlock squeezed him into a tight hug again. "It's always been you, John Watson," he said. "Nobody but you."


End file.
